where do I go from here?

It's been while. A long while.

After an intense summer country-hopping in Southern Europe and Northern Africa, here I sit in my parents' "new" 1800s Ohio farmhouse, typing away at the desktop computer console, wrapped in a blanket to counteract the effects of an (overly) effective air conditioning system.

And instead of enjoying the one to two months I set aside to rest, reflect, pray and process, I am unsettled, unsure, and battling what could become a paralyzing anxiety.

It's everyone asking, "What are you doing next?" It's my dwindling savings account. It's my fear of making the wrong choice, of being unhappy. It's struggling to know how integrate what I've learned, who I've become, in the past fifteen months, into the life I left behind. Or if that's even what I want to do.

I've been reading homecoming blogs from round-the-world travelers, which express the thoughts and sentiments of my inner turmoil with greater clarity than I am able. It's comforting to know others have experienced the same sense of bewilderment and upheaval after time spent on a path different than the "normal" American roadmap. The road less traveled.

I'm a new me, and I don't even know what that means yet, so how can I explain it to others or attempt to move forward? And what is forward?

Someone, anyone, Lord, please tell me: Where do I go from here?

In a sense,
it's the coming back,
the return,
which gives meaning to the going forth.

We really don't know where we've been
until we come back to where we were.

Only where we were
may not be as it was
because of who we've become,
which, after all, is why we left...

~ Bernard Stevens, Northern Exposure

on my knees

The great tragedy of life in not unanswered prayer, but unoffered prayer. ~ F. B. Meyer

Prayer is nothing else than being on terms of friendship with God. ~ St. Teresa of Avila

Prayer changes people, and people change things. ~ Burton Hills

Prayer is translation. A man translates himself into a child asking for all there is in a language he has barely mastered. ~ Leonard Cohen

Prayer is not eloquence, but earnestness... ~ Hannah More

I believe in prayer. It's the best way we have to draw strength from heaven. ~ Josephine Baker

God can pick sense out of a confused prayer.
~ Richard Sibbes

Prayer moves the hand that moves the universe. ~ Anonymous

When I pray, coincidences happen, and when I don't pray, they don't. ~ William Temple


Prayer does not fit us for the greater work; prayer is the greater work. ~ Oswald Chambers

Prayer is not asking for what you think you want, but asking to be changed in ways you can't imagine. ~ Kathleen Norris

More things are wrought by prayer than this world dreams of. ~ Alfred, Lord Tennyson

If you can't pray as you want to, pray as you can. God knows what you mean.
~ Vince Havner

Intercessory prayer might be defined as loving our neighbor on our knees.
~ Charles Brent

never, never to forget

The only dream worth having is to dream that you will live while you are alive, and die only when you are dead. To love, to be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and vulgar disparity of the life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what it simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never to forget. ~ Arundhati Roy

saying goodbye

"Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same." ~Flavia Weedn

I can hardly believe I've been here a year.

As I prepare to leave, I'm struggling to express how I feel and to how to say good-bye. Because I am who I am, I also feel the urge to describe, define, summarize this past year. Gradually, I am realizing that not only is this a nearly impossible task, but this is one of those experiences best left to itself - untouched, unbroken, undiluted by describing, summarizing,or making it fit into a neat little box. Neat little boxes are meant to be stored away, only to be discovered one, two, or many years later, the contents long since forgotten. What I've experience and learned here is meant to be relived, cherished and used every day for the rest of my life.

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." ~ Dr. Seuss

I realize I've provided glimpses into my life here in great sweeping descriptions - exciting new experiences (surfing, volcano-climbing, trips to Honduras and Guatemala), not-so-great experiences, large group activities (costume contest, chicken wedding, holidays, Ninja Night, the Quince, Minute to Win It) - but have hardly touched on what truly makes an experience (and a life) - the details. About the kids, their lives, their likes, their dislikes, their distinct and radiant personalities. The tiny, but significant interactions with each child that make me love them and make our relationship unique. Like Irene alone in her room, dancing in front of the mirror, singing High School Musical at the top of her lungs. Or Daniela nicknaming me "chicote" (beetle) because one time I freaked out when she told me I had a beetle in my hair and my retaliation "Pie Grande (Bigfoot)" because that girl has some large feet. Or Kevin creeping up behind me, poking me in my sides to scare and tickle me at that same time. Or Toño's innate ability to learn and sing songs in English and Spanish. Or Linda always beating the pants off me in Dutch Blitz (grrr). Or Cheo's high-pitched, 3-year old Spanish, using l's in place of r's when he speaks. Or Ezekiel always greeting me with, "Hi A-man-da!" not just once, but every time he sees me that day. Or the twins crying whenever they have to get their haircuts. Or how Brenda is, well, a fickle teenager, and even though she chooses to ignore me for long periods of time, or uses anger to mask sadness, I love her just the same. Or Jefferson's many hugs, Vanessa's mischievous grin, Chamba's wet kisses, Osiel's funny statements, Michi's determination, Shelby's sense of humor...the list goes on and on.

"There are no good-byes, where ever you'll be, you'll be in my heart." ~ Ghandi

To be honest, it scares me to love, deeply care for, and be so connected to this place and these children, knowing I'll always be concerned about their well-being, about funding, their future, and wondering when I'll see them again. But although my heart is grieving this departure and change, it's because of this connection that I know it's not "good-bye", but "I'll see you soon".

from here on out

It’s hard to deny that the act of living in another country, in another language, fundamentally changes you. Different parts of your personality sort of float to the top, and you take on qualities, mannerisms, and opinions that define the new people around you. And there’s nothing wrong with that; it’s often part of the reason you left in the first place. You wanted to evolve, to change something, to put yourself in an uncomfortable new situation that would force you to into a new phase of your life...

But there are the fears. And yes, life [back home] has gone on without you. And the longer you stay in your new home, the more profound those changes will become...One day, you simply look back and realize that so much has happened in your absence, that so much has changed. You find it harder and harder to start conversations with people who used to be some of your best friends, and in-jokes become increasingly foreign — you have become an outsider...

So you look at your life, and the two countries that hold it, and realize that you are now two distinct people. As much as your countries represent and fulfill different parts of you and what you enjoy about life, as much as you have formed unbreakable bonds with people you love in both places, as much as you feel truly at home in either one, so you are divided in two. For the rest of your life, or at least it feels this way, you will spend your time in one naggingly longing for the other, and waiting until you can get back for at least a few weeks and dive back into the person you were back there. It takes so much to carve out a new life for yourself somewhere new, and it can’t die simply because you’ve moved over a few time zones. The people that took you into their country and became your new family, they aren’t going to mean any less to you when you’re far away.

When you live abroad, you realize that, no matter where you are, you will always be an ex-pat. There will always be a part of you that is far away from its home and is lying dormant until it can breathe and live in full color back in the country where it belongs. To live in a new place is a beautiful, thrilling thing, and it can show you that you can be whoever you want — on your own terms. It can give you the gift of freedom, of new beginnings, of curiosity and excitement. But to start over, to get on that plane, doesn’t come without a price. You cannot be in two places at once, and from now on, you will always lay awake on certain nights and think of all the things you’re missing out on back home.

Excerpts from What Happens When You Live Abroad

By Chelsea Fagan

May 21, 2012

changing lives

 "Everyday you have the opportunity to learn and experience something and someone new. Seize the opportunity. Learn and experience everything you can, and use it to change the world." 
~ Rodney Williams 

I am humbled, grateful and blessed that God uses me to lead others to Love & Hope and to be able to see the impact this ministry has on their lives. Thank you Lord, for Katie and Kristan's visit, for touching their souls and moving in their hearts.

the merton prayer

MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following Your Will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please You does in fact please You. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this You will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust You always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

Thomas Merton, "Thoughts in Solitude"

Abbey of Gethsemani

breathe on me

by Todd Fields

Find me here, in this place

Son of God, Saving Grace

At this hour, all my days

Breathe on me, breathe on me

Morning star, shine Your Light

As I walk through this life

God of Power, God of Might

Breathe on me, breathe on me

Forever, You are my reason for living

Merciful Savior unending

Breathe on me

When I'm weak, You are strong

Your breath in me will be my song

In You my King, I belong

Breathe on me, breathe on me

Forever, You are my reason for living

Merciful Savior unending

Breathe on me

Forever, You are the God of my story

Write every line for your glory

Breathe on me

Breathe on me

Breathe on me, God

When I am weak, You are strong

Your breathe in me, will be my song

When I am weak, You are strong

You are strong....

Forever, You are my reason for living

Merciful Savior unending

Breathe on me

Forever, You are the God of my story

Write every line for Your glory

Breathe on me

Find me here, in this place

Son of God, Saving Grace

At this hour, all my days

Breathe on me, breathe on me

minute to win it

On Saturday Kirsten, my visitors Katie & Kristan, and I hosted an evening of games based on the NBC show Minute to Win It. I was unnecessarily worried about the kids' possible lack of interest or competitive spirit. On the contrary, they thoroughly enjoyed the games and intensely cheered for each other (deafening roar is a more accurate description). We had five teams of six and kids of similar ages competed against each other in each round.

Face the Cookie: pitted our tias and lone tio against each other as they attempted to move a cookie from their forehead to their mouth without using their hands.

as the evening's MC I explained

and demonstrated Face the Cookie

Luis and Larixa face off (pun intended...)

Egg Race: had our littlest guys balancing an egg on a spoon and walk back and forth across the kitchen as many times as they could in one minute without dropping the egg.

Three Blind Rice: the contestants were blindfolded as they searched for three safety pins hidden in a bowl of rice.

Don't Blow the Kings: had the kids using a straw to blow a deck of cards off the table, except for the four face-up kings.

Stack Attack: players built a pyramid of fifteen cups and then broke it down. If the pyramid collapsed or they knocked over a cup in the process, they had to start over.

 

Noodling Around: our oldest kids and Katie picked up straw pieces using only a strand of uncooked spaghetti in their mouths. It's really difficult to do, but Jocelyn and Kevin performed phenomenally!

Everyone had so much fun we (well, they) will probably do it again soon!

la finca

On Fridays "¡Vamos a la finca! ¡Vamos a montar los caballos! (We're going to the farm! We're going to ride the horses!)" resounds throughout the house. The finca is the land owned by La Casa de Mi Padre (My Father's House), another independent, Christian children's home founded by our friends Gary and Sharon Powell. The finca is where their daughter, and my dear friend, Whitney Powell blesses us, the children of La Casa de Mi Padre, and other clients with her therapeutic riding ministry.

Therapeutic riding is beneficial for children with cognitive, physical and emotional conditions. Building relationships with an animals is a rewarding experience. Students learn trust and loyalty from the horses and being able to perform riding exercises increases their self-confidence. They learn to apply their interaction with the horse and their newly-acquired self-esteem to form meaningful relationships with people. Every Friday Whitney walks our kids through a series of exercises, slowly introducing new ones as they master the old.

hands up

hands down

touch the ears

around the world

ride backwards

leg up

kneeling

 trot

ball toss

love these kids :)