Wednesday, June 13, 2012
never, never to forget
The only dream worth having is to dream that you will live while you are alive, and die only when you are dead. To love, to be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and vulgar disparity of the life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what it simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never to forget. ~ Arundhati Roy
Saturday, June 9, 2012
saying goodbye
"Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same." ~Flavia Weedn
I can hardly believe I've been here a year.
As I prepare to leave, I'm struggling to express how I feel and to how to say good-bye. Because I am who I am, I also feel the urge to describe, define, summarize this past year. Gradually, I am realizing that not only is this a nearly impossible task, but this is one of those experiences best left to itself - untouched, unbroken, undiluted by describing, summarizing,or making it fit into a neat little box. Neat little boxes are meant to be stored away, only to be discovered one, two, or many years later, the contents long since forgotten. What I've experience and learned here is meant to be relived, cherished and used every day for the rest of my life.
"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." ~ Dr. Seuss
I realize I've provided glimpses into my life here in great sweeping descriptions - exciting new experiences (surfing, volcano-climbing, trips to Honduras and Guatemala), not-so-great experiences, large group activities (costume contest, chicken wedding, holidays, Ninja Night, the Quince, Minute to Win It) - but have hardly touched on what truly makes an experience (and a life) - the details. About the kids, their lives, their likes, their dislikes, their distinct and radiant personalities. The tiny, but significant interactions with each child that make me love them and make our relationship unique. Like Irene alone in her room, dancing in front of the mirror, singing High School Musical at the top of her lungs. Or Daniela nicknaming me "chicote" (beetle) because one time I freaked out when she told me I had a beetle in my hair and my retaliation "Pie Grande (Bigfoot)" because that girl has some large feet. Or Kevin creeping up behind me, poking me in my sides to scare and tickle me at that same time. Or Toño's innate ability to learn and sing songs in English and Spanish. Or Linda always beating the pants off me in Dutch Blitz (grrr). Or Cheo's high-pitched, 3-year old Spanish, using l's in place of r's when he speaks. Or Ezekiel always greeting me with, "Hi A-man-da!" not just once, but every time he sees me that day. Or the twins crying whenever they have to get their haircuts. Or how Brenda is, well, a fickle teenager, and even though she chooses to ignore me for long periods of time, or uses anger to mask sadness, I love her just the same. Or Jefferson's many hugs, Vanessa's mischievous grin, Chamba's wet kisses, Osiel's funny statements, Michi's determination, Shelby's sense of humor...the list goes on and on.
"There are no good-byes, where ever you'll be, you'll be in my heart." ~ Ghandi
To be honest, it scares me to love, deeply care for, and be so connected to this place and these children, knowing I'll always be concerned about their well-being, about funding, their future, and wondering when I'll see them again. But although my heart is grieving this departure and change, it's because of this connection that I know it's not "good-bye", but "I'll see you soon".
I can hardly believe I've been here a year.
As I prepare to leave, I'm struggling to express how I feel and to how to say good-bye. Because I am who I am, I also feel the urge to describe, define, summarize this past year. Gradually, I am realizing that not only is this a nearly impossible task, but this is one of those experiences best left to itself - untouched, unbroken, undiluted by describing, summarizing,or making it fit into a neat little box. Neat little boxes are meant to be stored away, only to be discovered one, two, or many years later, the contents long since forgotten. What I've experience and learned here is meant to be relived, cherished and used every day for the rest of my life."Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." ~ Dr. Seuss
I realize I've provided glimpses into my life here in great sweeping descriptions - exciting new experiences (surfing, volcano-climbing, trips to Honduras and Guatemala), not-so-great experiences, large group activities (costume contest, chicken wedding, holidays, Ninja Night, the Quince, Minute to Win It) - but have hardly touched on what truly makes an experience (and a life) - the details. About the kids, their lives, their likes, their dislikes, their distinct and radiant personalities. The tiny, but significant interactions with each child that make me love them and make our relationship unique. Like Irene alone in her room, dancing in front of the mirror, singing High School Musical at the top of her lungs. Or Daniela nicknaming me "chicote" (beetle) because one time I freaked out when she told me I had a beetle in my hair and my retaliation "Pie Grande (Bigfoot)" because that girl has some large feet. Or Kevin creeping up behind me, poking me in my sides to scare and tickle me at that same time. Or Toño's innate ability to learn and sing songs in English and Spanish. Or Linda always beating the pants off me in Dutch Blitz (grrr). Or Cheo's high-pitched, 3-year old Spanish, using l's in place of r's when he speaks. Or Ezekiel always greeting me with, "Hi A-man-da!" not just once, but every time he sees me that day. Or the twins crying whenever they have to get their haircuts. Or how Brenda is, well, a fickle teenager, and even though she chooses to ignore me for long periods of time, or uses anger to mask sadness, I love her just the same. Or Jefferson's many hugs, Vanessa's mischievous grin, Chamba's wet kisses, Osiel's funny statements, Michi's determination, Shelby's sense of humor...the list goes on and on."There are no good-byes, where ever you'll be, you'll be in my heart." ~ Ghandi
To be honest, it scares me to love, deeply care for, and be so connected to this place and these children, knowing I'll always be concerned about their well-being, about funding, their future, and wondering when I'll see them again. But although my heart is grieving this departure and change, it's because of this connection that I know it's not "good-bye", but "I'll see you soon".Friday, June 8, 2012
from here on out
It’s hard to deny that the act of living in another country, in another language, fundamentally changes you. Different parts of your personality sort of float to the top, and you take on qualities, mannerisms, and opinions that define the new people around you. And there’s nothing wrong with that; it’s often part of the reason you left in the first place. You wanted to evolve, to change something, to put yourself in an uncomfortable new situation that would force you to into a new phase of your life...
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But there are the fears. And yes, life [back home] has gone on without you. And the longer you stay in your new home, the more profound those changes will become...One day, you simply look back and realize that so much has happened in your absence, that so much has changed. You find it harder and harder to start conversations with people who used to be some of your best friends, and in-jokes become increasingly foreign — you have become an outsider...
So you look at your life, and the two countries that hold it, and realize that you are now two distinct people. As much as your countries represent and fulfill different parts of you and what you enjoy about life, as much as you have formed unbreakable bonds with people you love in both places, as much as you feel truly at home in either one, so you are divided in two. For the rest of your life, or at least it feels this way, you will spend your time in one naggingly longing for the other, and waiting until you can get back for at least a few weeks and dive back into the person you were back there. It takes so much to carve out a new life for yourself somewhere new, and it can’t die simply because you’ve moved over a few time zones. The people that took you into their country and became your new family, they aren’t going to mean any less to you when you’re far away.
But there are the fears. And yes, life [back home] has gone on without you. And the longer you stay in your new home, the more profound those changes will become...One day, you simply look back and realize that so much has happened in your absence, that so much has changed. You find it harder and harder to start conversations with people who used to be some of your best friends, and in-jokes become increasingly foreign — you have become an outsider...
So you look at your life, and the two countries that hold it, and realize that you are now two distinct people. As much as your countries represent and fulfill different parts of you and what you enjoy about life, as much as you have formed unbreakable bonds with people you love in both places, as much as you feel truly at home in either one, so you are divided in two. For the rest of your life, or at least it feels this way, you will spend your time in one naggingly longing for the other, and waiting until you can get back for at least a few weeks and dive back into the person you were back there. It takes so much to carve out a new life for yourself somewhere new, and it can’t die simply because you’ve moved over a few time zones. The people that took you into their country and became your new family, they aren’t going to mean any less to you when you’re far away.
When you live abroad, you realize that, no matter where you are, you will always be an ex-pat. There will always be a part of you that is far away from its home and is lying dormant until it can breathe and live in full color back in the country where it belongs. To live in a new place is a beautiful, thrilling thing, and it can show you that you can be whoever you want — on your own terms. It can give you the gift of freedom, of new beginnings, of curiosity and excitement. But to start over, to get on that plane, doesn’t come without a price. You cannot be in two places at once, and from now on, you will always lay awake on certain nights and think of all the things you’re missing out on back home.
Excerpts from What Happens When You Live Abroad
By Chelsea Fagan
May 21, 2012
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
changing lives
"Everyday you have the opportunity to learn and experience something and someone new. Seize the opportunity. Learn and experience everything you can, and use it to change the world."
~ Rodney Williams
I am humbled, grateful and blessed that God uses me to lead others to Love & Hope and to be able to see the impact this ministry has on their lives. Thank you Lord, for Katie and Kristan's visit, for touching their souls and moving in their hearts.
~ Rodney Williams
I am humbled, grateful and blessed that God uses me to lead others to Love & Hope and to be able to see the impact this ministry has on their lives. Thank you Lord, for Katie and Kristan's visit, for touching their souls and moving in their hearts.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
the merton prayer
MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following Your Will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please You does in fact please You. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this You will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust You always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.
Thomas Merton, "Thoughts in Solitude"
Abbey of Gethsemani
Monday, June 4, 2012
breathe on me
by Todd Fields
Find me here, in this place
Son of God, Saving Grace
At this hour, all my days
Breathe on me, breathe on me
Morning star, shine Your Light
As I walk through this life
God of Power, God of Might
Breathe on me, breathe on me
Forever, You are my reason for living
Merciful Savior unending
Breathe on me
When I'm weak, You are strong
Your breath in me will be my song
In You my King, I belong
Breathe on me, breathe on me
Forever, You are my reason for living
Merciful Savior unending
Breathe on me
Forever, You are the God of my story
Write every line for your glory
Breathe on me
Breathe on me
Breathe on me, God
When I am weak, You are strong
Your breathe in me, will be my song
When I am weak, You are strong
You are strong....
Forever, You are my reason for living
Merciful Savior unending
Breathe on me
Forever, You are the God of my story
Write every line for Your glory
Breathe on me
Find me here, in this place
Son of God, Saving Grace
At this hour, all my days
Breathe on me, breathe on me
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