she who hesitates...

Blogging is telling it like it is, the good, bad and the ugly. Even if it’s real ugly. Or embarrassing.

This is one of those times.

With the city traffic and unregulated Salvadoran driving, it was bound to happen somewhere, sometime, to someone. I just didn’t think it would happen to me.

On Saturday night I was in a car accident, in the middle of Los Proceres, a main highway into San Salvador. No one else was in the car with me. And it was my fault.

I was headed into town to have dinner at a friend’s house. I wasn’t late and wasn’t in a hurry, but traffic was heavy. I couldn't have been going more than 30-35 miles per hour. I wanted to change to the right lane. I glanced over my shoulder, thought I saw an opening, started to go, changed my mind, and that hesitation was my mistake.

CRASH.

For a split second I thought someone had hit me. But then I saw the truth staring me in the face through the windshield. The front bumper of my Santa Fe was snuggled up against the mangled backend of a tiny Toyota Tercel. And what’s even worse is I had pushed the Toyota into the back of a large SUV. It was a Tercel sandwich.

Shock, anger, guilt, humiliation, fear, embarrassment – I ran through a wide range of emotions that evening. I lost my ability to speak and comprehend Spanish, so thank God the men in the other vehicles spoke English. They were both very forgiving, very kind, telling me, “These things happen,” “You have insurance, so there’s no problem,” “Calm down, it’s okay,” “No one was hurt and it’s just a car,” “God is looking out for us.”

Nevertheless, I felt so careless and stupid. It was my fault. MY fault. How could I have let this happen? I think self-forgiveness is the most difficult kind.

And there we were, our wreck sitting in the middle lane of a busy highway. Traffic jams are annoyingly common in the city. However, this time I didn’t have to wonder what was backing up traffic because it was me. Do you know how it feels to have hundreds of people drive by you, staring at you, yelling at you, laughing at your misfortune while you wait seventy minutes for the insurance evaluator to arrive? To put it eloquently - IT SUCKS.

And then my nightmare was prolonged because the insurance evaluator said we had to call the police because he needed a police report. When I heard this, I died a little inside because:

       a) that meant we probably had to wait another hour until the police showed up, and

       b) an American driver’s license is only valid 90 days and I've been in the country over
          120 days.

It’s quite possible they could have arrested me, if they wanted to.

Maybe it was because I was crying. Or maybe because I had to have Rene and Gustavo, the men whose cars I’d rammed, translate for me. Or perhaps because the woman in the other SUV hugged me tightly and told me not to worry, that God was taking care of everything. Whatever it was, the police didn’t say anything about my lack of a Salvadoran driver’s license and they didn’t fine me or haul me to jail.**

Since that evening, I've done my fair share of lamenting and questioning God's motives: “Why me?”, “What have I done to deserve this?” or "If only I had..." (after all hindsight is 20/20). But no amount of thought or self-pity will change what happened. God has His reasons and I may never know what they are. I can’t continue to say “What if..?” or to beat myself up over it. It happened, I dealt with it, I survived, and gained more life experience. I am human and I make mistakes. I will learn from this mistake and will be careful not to repeat it.

I also have a lot to be thankful for. I am thankful no one was injured. I am thankful the Santa Fe is scarcely damaged (the front license plate is dented and the front bumper is slightly out of place). I am thankful the other drivers were so kind and forgiving. I am thankful they spoke English. I am thankful I wasn’t arrested. I am thankful we have car insurance. I am thankful for the support of my friend and her family, who consoled me, feed me and let me sleepover when I finally made it to their house at 9:15 p.m., almost three hours after the crash. I am thankful to be alive.

To be honest, October has been a strange and, with the exception of my trip to Copán, rather awful month. I am looking forward to a happier November.

**The day after the accident, I found out that in El Salvador, if anyone in an accident is bleeding, the driver responsible for the accident is arrested. So yes, it could have been worse. And I once again thank God no one was injured.

James 1:2-4 
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18  
Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.